On My Own Blog

Category: Young Widow

young widow

  • HAPPY FRIDAY

    Man, what a week. There’s been so many signs telling me to make some changes in my life. And I think it’s caused me to be an emotional wreck. Though, there’s been some good layers that needed “peeling.”

    I’m fearful. Confused. Stressed. Why? I guess we always want a guarantee on our decisions. That if we make a mistake things will be quickly fixed. And when the fixes aren’t quick, then we second guess or it’s not how we thought things were going to go. But that’s not life is it?! Life is FULL of complications. Full of change. Change that you don’t want. Full on up and down. But going through these changes and how we build our character and how we learn, that’s what defines ourselves isn’t it.

    So, what do I have to lose? That’s what I keep telling myself. A LOT. If I continue to keep things the same. One of my biggest fears already happened. That Tim’s life was taken too young. Sooo… how bad can the rest of my fears of change be?

    But what I read and learned this week has been powerful. That I have to let go and just trust in HIM. That if I listen to all these signs that God and the universe have been sprinkling, and give it my full heart, that’s what God is guiding me towards. To let go of those fears that the other bad guys wants— the misconceptions, the fears, the evil— that’s trying to interrupt and sidetrack what God and my heart wants. And it’s all gonna work out. It always does.

    Cuz living ain’t living when you’re full of all these fears controlling your life. So here’s to having a fun, fearless weekend! Love and blessings.

    The photo above is from my great walk this morning with Oliver, my lil sunshine.

     

  • HAPPY EASTER

    I’ve been in love with Serena Mitnik Miller‘s work for a long time. Check out her amazing watercolors, prints and photography, inspired by the ocean and coastal habitats. I thought this print looked like Easter eggs and wanted to share. I hope your Easter was full of colorful treats and treasures (and maybe tasty omelets with bacon!).

    I took last week off from blogging, while my parents were out here visiting. I had such a fun time, eating out, relaxing in the sun, and having some good heart-to-heart chats. And as a favor, please keep my Dad tucked in your prayers, as he is on the hunt for a new job. This visit, was their first visit out here since Tim has passed. It was a bit surreal at times, that Tim wasn’t physically here to enjoy our outings, but this is the new routine. It’s always a good visit when they come out, and now I’m looking forward to my sister and her boyfriend coming out in May. Enjoy the rest of your weekend. Lots of love and blessings on this amazing day!

  • ON THE HEALING PATH

    Being a widow is an evolving process. You start to get back to normal, doing most of the everyday routine things. But then you still have a deep ache in your soul that feels like a bowling ball is resting there, but its an “empty” weight feeling.

    It feels empty, because what was once filled with joy, happiness, and excitement isn’t as robust as it used to be.

    Let me be honest with you folks. I’m not as strong as you think or say.

    I try to get through each day, each week, but ultimately, I don’t know how I do it sometimes.

    The best way to describe going through this, is that I feel like I’ve had a concussion. That’s how I feel. I feel that mostly things are familiar and the same, but that mostly things are confusing and there’s this deep empty feeling. Someone I love so much and who was my soul mate is on an adventure I can’t join.

    That what I thought I knew about my past seems like a dream. A dream that was real and lasted for a good while has now stopped. And that chapter is closed. And I’m in a new chapter. That’s full of discovery but is shaky.

    Because that soul mate that filled your heart with all those things and more that made it robust and thrilling, is now in heaven. And its NOT the same as when he was next to you, squeezing your arm tight, resting his head on your shoulder.

    Not a day goes by where I don’t think of him, whether it’s a happy memory, thinking about a joke he’d call out. Or I notice the waves are good. Or I’m eating an awesome meal at a restaurant and wish he could enjoy it with me. And now looking at photos of Tim, I can smile. But there’s still moments that startle me and knock my heart down.

    Life can feel surreal. One minute, I’m stoked and confident and even giddy on life, then the next, I’m indecisive, confused and blah.

    Because I still wonder why he had to die. Why cancer. Why all these complications. Why a perfect stem cell match. Why City of Hope didn’t have an answer.

    Overall I get through each day, because God is carrying me. And Tim’s spirit is with me. And because of all your prayers, good vibes and sweet gestures.

    I have the faith that I’ve been put in this situation for some reason.

    And I’ve recognized that I will not let the questions and the fears of my past control my future. That Tim will always be in my heart and mind, but daily decisions can’t be made based on emotions tied up in his passing. That hope lies in my future not in my past.

    And I realize how blessed I am. To have had such a great love, to have had such a wonderful true mate enrich my life and others. And that life truly is a gift.I know its cliché but the simplicity of that sentence is the complexity that each day brings, emotionally and physically.

    That this is my life. And I’m happy to be living it. And time will heal my soul.

     

    >> illustration above from here

     

  • MARCH MADNESS

    So a funny thing happened yesterday morning.

    I woke up late (around 10:30am) after being up most of the night from Oliver being amped up from the strong winds and rain, banging the trees and front screen door against the house.

    As I was getting my shower started, noticed that my glass shower door was off track, and it wasn’t sliding properly. It was actually this way for a few days, and for some reason, thought I could manage fixing this.

    Soooo, I’m holding the glass door at its side, almost get it on track, and then the door exploded on me. It was raining glass!!! I was paralyzed holding the shower handle in my right hand. I looked down and realized I had jumped backwards.

    HOLY CRAP! What just happened here?

    I was shaking like 10 times what Oliver was the night before with the wind gusts.

    I was so amazed at what I had accomplished, or, didn’t accomplish with my handiness. And trying to figure out what to do first, (shower/ run Oliver/ eat breakfast/ cleanup this crazy mess!) before Tim’s folks were coming in few hours.

    I kinda stood in awe for a bit at how much glass was now on my bathroom floor, inside the shower, and who knows where else.

    So, I was worried I might be wearing glass, so a shower seemed to be priority. But before that, I realized my hands had tiny nicks and a bigger nick that was bleeding pretty good. So I cleaned that up, and put a few band-aids on my right hand, took a shower in the other bathroom and got ready. Then took Oliver for a quick run and scarfed down a Starbuck’s (yucky) veggie sandwich and then chugged down a coffee.

    I was still pretty shaky (and no, it wasn’t the coffee) from this shower door. By the time I got the shopvac setup, Tim’s folks arrived. I was so blessed they were there to help me! I didn’t want them to clean up the mess, just wanted to show them the crazy mess that happened. Felt so compelled to show and share the madness. They were so awesome and they did so much with all the cleanup, just so thankful and blessed for their help. I felt so bad, that this was part of our visit.

    Anyways, here’s the photos from my weekend “excitement.”

    The bath towel is on the floor, since the handle is on the right.

    Mmm… crunchy.

    We filled about 4-6 of these hospital buckets.

    No real injuries, just scared the living daylights outta me, that’s all.

     

  • TEDx GARDEN DANCE

    Here’s a sneak peek of my night with the lovely garden goddesses from a few weeks ago. I helped them cater a TEDx bootcamp speaker event. We had a blast, as you can see here. And met some fabulous peeps. More to follow…