young widow
My sister Melissa and her boyfriend, Marty, were just in town a few weeks ago. We had such a blast. Beach time and eating at my favorite restaurants (Hawaiian lunch plate, seasonal comfort food, brick-oven pizza, salted caramel crème brulée, and tasty IPA’s). Delicious!
I also took them to my favorite spot to catch sunsets, near the town library. Here’s some bits from the visit and enjoy your weekend peeps!
I love Portland! And so blessed for the handful of times I went up there with Tim. He went to culinary school there. And our friend Jenn, whom he went to culinary school with, always made each visit way more fun.
The food, the waterfalls (outside of the city), the rose garden, Voodoo donuts, the craft beer and all the bikes. It’s a great place to go.
Jenn sent me this amazing video about Portland awhile ago. And I wanted to share. Check it out. Or head up this summer for a good time.
The past few weeks were overwhelming preparing and planning for Tim’s 1-year anniversary of his passing. How does one honor someone so great?
On May 28th, the actual anniversary of Tim’s arrival to heaven and Memorial Day (ironically), I planned a boat charter out to Tim’s favorite surfing spot to scatter some of his ashes. Close family and friends took a boat from Dana Point down to Trestles in San Clemente. This was his second home. He grew up in Orange County, but this is where you’d find him, this was his sanctuary and his playground.
When Tim was in his tweens, his parents would drop him and his friends off at the beach in the morning, and they’d surf all day, and then hitchhike a ride back home or his parents would return. Such a simpler, safer time. And Tim progressed with his surf and competed. Trestles and this area isn’t for beginners.
It was such a surreal moment to be on the boat, knowing the reason for this cruise. It was an out-of-body feeling. I was present, but I was also jelly. My heart was broken. And this loss is still unexplainable.
But it was such an honor and comfort to put some of him in this special place.
After we did this special ceremony, the boat slowly turned around and proceeded back to Dana Point. And within five minutes, about a dozen dolphins surrounded the boat, swimming and jumping around. There was baby dolphins and clusters of them. All excited and happy.
Tim told me that whenever I saw a dolphin (in whatever form), that it was him thinking of me.
Anyways, the captain of the boat told us that this was very rare. And we all knew Tim and God were high-fiving and thanking us for such a beautiful celebration. As sad as that day and ceremony was, seeing all the dolphins lifted my and all of our spirits and made us all laugh and squeal with delight.
Witnessing this magical moment was amazing for all of us. That even in heaven, Tim is so magical. He always has a way of making us smile and us loving him more.
It was definitely an acknowledgement that Tim was watching this celebration, and didn’t want us to be sad all night. That he wants us to know he’s full of love up above. And always in our hearts.
So I leave you with some of our magic from Tim, some photos of the day and of the dolphins. All photos except the second one below are by my friend Eric. Thank you Eric for capturing this magic!
This past year, I’ve been really lost. I told you in an earlier post, that going thru this new journey feels like I’ve had a concussion.
I was happily married, part of this awesome team. And without Tim, I’ve felt lost. Thinking about the future was daunting and sad. I was indecisive for sure. I felt like I was healing, listening to my heart, but also kept analyzing so many things. Is it okay to want to find another soul mate? Will I be truly happy with my life again? What do I want to do with my life? Though I never blamed God for putting me in this situation. And I felt so blessed for my life, was so happy and fulfilled for everything I have and those that are in my life. But I needed to dig deeper and discover myself, and how to understand this journey better.
Now before I get into that… I have to give you insight on myself and my roller coaster of emotions.
Up until now has been especially emotional and fragile for me, knowing that this time last year, was mind-blowing, devastating and hard to describe unless you were there.
It was around May 20, 2011, that we were all naive to the time ticking, intensity of Tim’s cancer.
You see, for those that didn’t know Tim, up until the last day, he had a big agenda for tomorrow. And although doctors, nurses, hospice, and all of us were acknowledging the frugality of time, Tim was still joking, laughing and hopeful.
Hopeful for camping in our travel trailer with me. Going on a motorcycle ride with his brother Steve. Renewing our wedding vows in October. Going fishing and hunting with Bray, Lisa and the kids in November.
We all thought that Tim was “superman”, that the cancer was somehow going to go away magically. Well, we had hope that something miraculous and positive would happen. It was on the 20th that we realized that the cancer had spread to most of his body, especially in his legs and groin, which were causing his legs and feet to balloon. The game plan had abruptly changed from aggressive treatment and a cluster of machines hooked up to Tim, to slowly watching his spark fade. That nothing could stop the cancer. That his 41 years of life seemed to flash in front of our eyes in those few days. And on May 28th, God decided to recruit Tim upstairs, understanding how unfair and sad this would be for all of us, but that Tim’s suffering was over.
Sooo… knowing that this heavy experience and emotions was fresh again, I knew it was time to seek experts to help me through my grief and blockages.
Here’s the two (2) things that have given me a whole lotta clarity, confidence, and optimism about myself and my future.
(and I recommend either or both to anyone going through a loss, feeling stuck/confused about life/career/love, or want to invigorate the fire in your soul).
1) I’ve been seeing a therapist.
I was so lucky to find a therapist who practices by integrating psychology, creativity and spirituality. After all, creativity and spirituality are huge in my life. My first appointment, and each one thus far following, I’ve left with a huge sense of relief and weight off my chest. Her approach is similar to a cocoon turning to a butterfly, and I’ve felt that transformation.
2) I went to a Reiki healer/Medium.
I’ve been a huge fan (stalker) of the show on TLC called, Long Island Medium. It’s a reality show that follows Theresa Caputo, a real Medium and her family. She’s blunt, funny and turn skeptics into believers. If you haven’t watched it, watch episodes here. You will laugh, cry and be amazed. She’s so talented and reveals so many specific details that are crazy spot-on. She’ll walk into a coffee shop or nail salon, and spirits will come to her, and people are truly blown away.
Watching her show has given me clarity and understanding about “spirits.”
Then a few months ago, my new widow friend Dana, told me her friend went to a group medium reading and they revealed some major stuff about her husband to her friend. I was impressed.
So, I emailed that Medium and her first availability, was on April 28th, which was the 11-th month anniversary of Tim’s death! So, I booked it, and I was a nervous wreck driving to the appointment. (I emailed Theresa too, but she’s got a 3-year waiting list)
Here’s some of the things that I realized from my medium session.
1. Understanding my worth. That no matter with this loss or any other loss I have in the future, I will never abandon or lose myself. That I need to value myself more, be confident in who I am. That with or without Tim, I’m still me, and to continue to honor and discover this new me without Tim. I need to be brave, vulnerable, free.
2. Heaven is a real and active place. Tim was able to describe some of what he’s doing up there. I assumed it was calm and peaceful. And it is, but that he has opportunities for learning, productivity, and helping others in his same situation he was in. (of course Tim can’t sit still, he was so non-stop here, why did I assume he was eating bonbons and surfing all day? Hah)
3. Connection with Tim. I wasn’t able to see or feel Tim, but the Medium described Tim accurately and it was like he was in the room, her reactions were real. His humor, charisma and creativity was definitely on stage. I was able to ask Tim questions and I received feedback, calmness and hope.
4. The universe really controls it all. This session didn’t foretell my future, and I didn’t want that. It gave me insight about myself and how to take ownership of my life, while realizing that I can’t control everything, that the choices I make will set the stage, allow for opportunities to come through.
5. My faith is real. What I believe, that Jesus is truth for me, and he was present during my session. And he acknowledged that he’s been supporting me this past year. And that he’ll take good care of Tim.
6. I need to move forward. That Tim and I are on different levels now, I can’t lean on him anymore, and to create this new future for myself and not what I think Tim would want me to do. Allow my heart to have room for a new soul mate. Make choices to progress my career, creativity, follow my joy.
After this session I was in a blur, shaking, and felt this deep sadness, like the day after Tim had passed. But the days since then, I’ve also felt this surge of newfound hope. That although I’ve been hopeful and optimistic about this new journey, that I have some “tools” and guidance from my spirits and I need to take ownership for my life again. I can’t tell you how amazing this feels.
I still feel a deep sadness and shock on the reality that he’s still not here, but at the same time. I need to “finish” my goals here on Earth, before my time is up. That my story is starting to begin. That I have “found” clarity and hope to forge ahead, and I’m really excited about living again. That like Tim, up in heaven, I’ve got some work to do.
And I’m also looking forward to that day when it’s time for me to arrive in heaven. Where Tim promised he’d be all fancy and handsome, like on our wedding day, waiting for me, and with a bouquet of flowers.
Today is Tim’s best friend’s birthday! I wanted to celebrate and dedicate this post to him and wish him the best and most deserving day/week/month.
For those that don’t know Mike let me give you a brief description.
He’s a hard-working, smart, well-read, well-traveled and life-loving, mid-west raised, Southern California guy. He’s an English Professor at the Laguna College of Art & Design, and Director of Operations at the Laguna Art Museum. But don’t ever play Scattergories with him. If you have a “unique” answer, he’ll debate you until you can’t figure out what or why you’re debating. Hah! I’m just sayin’.
But seriously, though, he’s just passionate about everything. About writing. About surfing. About music. About love. About beer. About nature. About life. And he especially loved Tim. They were brothers.
And I know Tim loved him so much.
Mike’s been such a great friend/brother to me during this past year. We’ve had so many deep, good heart to heart chats and phone conversations, trying to understand how to move forward, and how to bring the joy that Tim brought, back into our hearts and lives.
Tim and Mike have known each other since middle school/ high school and I can’t remember the exact story on how they met.
They had the kind of friendship I wanted with one of my girlfriends. They would keep tabs on each other every single day. It would be phone call. Or a text. Or an email. And I always thought that was special.
And the best, was how they’d shout out each other at the beginning, on the phone. They’d hoot… “yeeeeeeeeeeee-brah.”
And at times he made my marriage to Tim better. He was honest with Tim and stood up for me when Tim was too stubborn. Mike was on my side too, and I thank him for that too.
So because today is Mike’s birthday, I’d like to acknowledge that quietness, that emptiness that Mike has been through this past year that doesn’t get much awareness like myself or Tim’s family members. Throughout this year, I’ve been surrounded with so much love, so many calls, texts, emails, cards in the mail from so many friends, family and those that are sympathetic to this situation I’m in, but Mike doesn’t really get to be acknowledged or get to share much about Tim and his sadness.
Now, Mike doesn’t know I’m writing this post, and the reason I’m wanting to acknowledge Mike’s situation, is that I can understand how he feels. I’m so sorry Mike.
But I want Mike to realize, on his birthday without Tim. That you have so much love with you today. And I want to ask all of you to celebrate Mike especially today. To pray for him too.
Allow him to understand that although Tim’s in heaven, that he’s still keeping tabs on him. He knows how Mike’s classes are going. How the surf’s been. How things are going with his sweetheart.
So with that said, here’s some photos of what an amazing friendship looks like. A friendship that hasn’t ended, but just isn’t the same.
Lots of love and big hugs Mike. Thank you for being such a blessing and brother to me too this past year and always. Love ya ‘brah.
