ON THE HEALING PATH

Being a widow is an evolving process. You start to get back to normal, doing most of the everyday routine things. But then you still have a deep ache in your soul that feels like a bowling ball is resting there, but its an “empty” weight feeling.

It feels empty, because what was once filled with joy, happiness, and excitement isn’t as robust as it used to be.

Let me be honest with you folks. I’m not as strong as you think or say.

I try to get through each day, each week, but ultimately, I don’t know how I do it sometimes.

The best way to describe going through this, is that I feel like I’ve had a concussion. That’s how I feel. I feel that mostly things are familiar and the same, but that mostly things are confusing and there’s this deep empty feeling. Someone I love so much and who was my soul mate is on an adventure I can’t join.

That what I thought I knew about my past seems like a dream. A dream that was real and lasted for a good while has now stopped. And that chapter is closed. And I’m in a new chapter. That’s full of discovery but is shaky.

Because that soul mate that filled your heart with all those things and more that made it robust and thrilling, is now in heaven. And its NOT the same as when he was next to you, squeezing your arm tight, resting his head on your shoulder.

Not a day goes by where I don’t think of him, whether it’s a happy memory, thinking about a joke he’d call out. Or I notice the waves are good. Or I’m eating an awesome meal at a restaurant and wish he could enjoy it with me. And now looking at photos of Tim, I can smile. But there’s still moments that startle me and knock my heart down.

Life can feel surreal. One minute, I’m stoked and confident and even giddy on life, then the next, I’m indecisive, confused and blah.

Because I still wonder why he had to die. Why cancer. Why all these complications. Why a perfect stem cell match. Why City of Hope didn’t have an answer.

Overall I get through each day, because God is carrying me. And Tim’s spirit is with me. And because of all your prayers, good vibes and sweet gestures.

I have the faith that I’ve been put in this situation for some reason.

And I’ve recognized that I will not let the questions and the fears of my past control my future. That Tim will always be in my heart and mind, but daily decisions can’t be made based on emotions tied up in his passing. That hope lies in my future not in my past.

And I realize how blessed I am. To have had such a great love, to have had such a wonderful true mate enrich my life and others. And that life truly is a gift.I know its cliché but the simplicity of that sentence is the complexity that each day brings, emotionally and physically.

That this is my life. And I’m happy to be living it. And time will heal my soul.

 

>> illustration above from here

 

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9 Responses to ON THE HEALING PATH

  1. Mary Sullivan March 27, 2012 at 12:53 pm #

    This is powerful stuff, Michelle,
    So few people ever experience the kind of love that you and Tim shared, and although you did not have enough time together, that experience and those feelings are part of who you are now. Tim will always have a space in your heart all his own, and your soul will be forever enriched by his love for you. You have an incredible capacity to allow your joyful and happy personality that Tim loved so much, shine through. You have no idea what an inspiration that is for others.
    XO,
    Mary

    • Michelle March 27, 2012 at 1:52 pm #

      Ohh that’s so beautiful Mary! This makes my heart smile! I guess just being so thankful for all that I have and did have is how I know to forge ahead. That’s all that I can “control.” Much love and big hugs to you!!

  2. Nicole March 27, 2012 at 4:23 pm #

    Thinking of you A LOT… Can’t imagine loving then losing..
    Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all??? I think to have loved and lost is more painful… Yes you have the memories and have experienced “love” and “companionship”…….to lose that i would think is imense….

    I have never loved… A part of me is hard, like a severe smokers lung; grey, shut down, non functioning… But I have always been with “me” and that’s/I’m ok, does that make sense?? ~I haven’t experienced the company of another…couldn’t imagine losing my soul mate

    • Michelle March 28, 2012 at 9:11 am #

      Thanks Nic. Thinking of you too! As heartbreaking as it is, I do think its better to have known love and have lost love than to not know love. And you deserve an amazing love! Don’t feel that you have to be on your own. We always have to be patient with the universe’s plan, and that’s where all of us get caught up. We want the quick, face-paced fix, instead of the well-worth the wait solution. And God wants you to be with your true mate. I think one of God’s lessons in bringing Tim to heaven, was to show the amazing power of God. You have so many amazing qualities that you should be confident about. All I can say, is to continue to the tell the universe what you want and it will happen. And if you ever need a dose of Cali sunshine… you are always welcome to come out and visit! Lots of love & hugs and miss you!

  3. Lori March 28, 2012 at 7:07 am #

    Michelle, you may think you’re not strong but you ARE! I wonder the same things as you so many why’s! We may never know the answers but I truley do believe God has a plan for each of us & that’s what helps keep me strong. That & knowing Tim will always be with me, in my heart, memories & spirit. I thank God that Tim met you & he had you to go through his journey with him! You were/are his soul mate! I’m so glad you created this blog & hope this outlet helps your heart heal. Big hugs to you!

    • Michelle March 28, 2012 at 9:18 am #

      Lori… this one got me good. Totally lost it. But in a I’m so blessed for you, Tim and all your family! You are completely right that God has a plan for all of us. Tim & God are working their magic on all of us. We must be patient and realize that God is working on things. I think of all of you and our “healing paths”. Thank you for your powerful words and hope you have a good week. Big tight hugs and love you!

  4. Dani April 13, 2012 at 12:42 pm #

    Hello,

    I am a widow that randomly found your blog through pinterest after seeing your coasters… I read your story, and was bawling crying at the crazy coincidences of our lives. I am a graphic designer, 32, and lost my husband to lymphoma last year June 13, 2011. We had only been married two weeks, but together a very long time.. 12 years. Needless to say he was the love of my life, we did everything together. We had a dog (who was hit by a car four months after Benn passed, a sign that he was always Benn’s dog, little joke…) and lived in Denver before his diagnosis. We camped, hiked, snowboarded – totally were living the dream. Cancer changed our lives in a way that only people that have been through it can understand. We never loved each other so much. Anyway Your story is very touching to me and i find it just a crazy coincidence that we are both graphic designers. I find that keeping busy with design, whether paid projects or personal, helps me stay centered and sane. I have so much respect for your blog, its not an easy thing to share this journey with people. You do a great beautiful job of keeping Tim’s memory alive. I hope that Tim and Benn (my hubbins) have met up in heaven and are scaling mountains with their snowboards, they seem like they would have gotten on great. Anyway from one widow to another – I find strength in your strength. God has big plans for you and I both :)

    Dani

    • Michelle April 13, 2012 at 2:34 pm #

      Dani – on my goodness can’t believe all the similarities! I’ll email you more, have so many more things to ask you! I’ll be tucking you in my prayers. And thank you for sharing and connecting up with me. I do appreciate it, you just made my day, actually! And you are one talented designer, so great that you are doing what you love! You have now inspired me – hah! I’m sure your hubs is smiling and proud of you. Big hugs and many blessings love! :-)

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