This has been a big and profound year for me. The thick, intense “widow fog” has dissolved.
This year was about becoming more present and moving forward without Tim. You can’t avoid grief. You have to go through it.
It was full of emotional happy highs and lonely, deep lows. But I realized that I wasn’t completely “on my own.” That my faith in God is true, and he’s been here with me this whole time. It was also a year filled with healing and transformation.
Here are 4 words that sum up my year:
01. Connection – Forming friendships with several strong, spiritual, and confident women that really helped me grow “on my own” and believe in myself. Fall, Hayley, Dana, Jill and Sorrel. You ladies have been my rock. I love you so much and I can’t tell you how much your soul sisterhood has meant to me.
02. Faith – I been more vocal about my beliefs. I’ve been wary of sharing my faith, but I’ve realized that I shouldn’t be fearful to share what it means to me, and the reason why I’m optimistic and curious for what the future holds. I believe in love and God gave me that love. He took my soul mate from my arms. But I don’t blame God. All I can do is have faith that there was a reason he needed Tim up in heaven. And that God is counting on me to recognize his purpose for my life. That I need to take responsibility for living and not dwelling on the sadness. The medium session I had in April was profound – getting messages from both Tim and God gave me clarity on my new journey. I highly recommend seeing a medium to help connect with your loved one.
03. Slowing down – Grief is very fatiguing. And I think in today’s world, we try to accomplish so many things with high expectations and its usually unfair and unrealistic. First of all, it doesn’t seem like there’s ever the time to grieve. We live in a non-stop, hurry-up, get-it done now, add it to my hotlist, firedrill-kind-of-world that expects microwave results. And how does one fit grief and healing into overloaded schedules? You can’t.
I didn’t realize how intense grief can be until the evenings and weekends, when things slowed down, and I was alone. With my thoughts. I’d shake and cry so hard, that I finally came to a crossroads. That I needed to take care of myself.
Quitting my job has allowed me the time to heal my heart, spend time with loved ones, have fun and organically play on my new creative path. Working “on my own” has been rewarding and overwhelming. I’ll share more in my next post.
04. Rediscovery- Allowing myself to do things I love. That make me happy. Things that I used to enjoy with Tim. Going to new restaurants. Dancing. Going to live music. Traveling. Laughing so hard it hurts. Shopping. Cooking. Helping others. Stepping away from the computer.
Here’s a look at some of my favorite memories of this year. These photos give me so much hope that 2013 will be even more fulfilling, fun, creative and filled with love. I will never stop missing Tim, but I believe he’s proud of what I’ve accomplished this year.
So, I do have some exciting things planned for 2013. And I will share more with you.
I also want to thank all of you for following and reading this blog. This has been therapy for me. This is my creative outlet. To share what’s on my mind. What inspires and empowers me. And what gives me hope and delight, as I recreate my life without Tim. My hope is that you will discover that you are worth it. That no matter what your circumstance is, that life really is worth living. That you are awesome. And beautiful. And have great shoes, too! (hah!)
So I thank you so much for visiting my lil quirky blog. You rock my world.
Hi! just wanna say thanks….. your words give me hope for a better way of life. My husband died last may and is been so hard to keep going and for some reason a found your blog and you have been helping me, so i just wanna let you know!
Hello Sandra! I’m so sorry to hear about your loss, my heart breaks for you. Thank you for reading, and if you ever need someone to chat with that understands your ups and downs, don’t hesitate to email me again! I’m here for you! Lots of love and hugs to you. I wish you a year full of laughter, big dreams and an abundance of love. xoxo
“Microwave results” – a brilliant summary of today’s culture. Words cannot express how proud I am of you. You are an inspiration and your smile/laugh is contagious!
Thanks Emily! Miss you guys!
4 words that describe YOU are:
Courageous
Inspired
Soulful
Generous
Love you,
Mother Mary!
Awww Mary, you are too sweet. That just made my whole self light up. I definitely feel soulful & generous but not always courageous. Hope you are doing well, looking forward to seeing you soon!