Tag: anniversary

A DAY TO REMEMBER

It has been more than a year since my last post. My gosh, time has flown!

Today, October 15th, marks a special day in my soul. It’s the day Tim and I got married. And today would have been 8 years we would have been married.

Whew. It’s been quite the journey without Tim here, but he’s in my heart and surrounding me now and then in angel form.

Today, I celebrate our amazing love. Yes, we had hard challenges. Yes, we didn’t always agree. And yes things weren’t always perfect. But it was an awesome true soulmate love. And it was imperfectly perfect. To have our lives be separated through his death, was mind-blowing and body-breaking. But my soul always felt love. My body was weak and my heart was heavy, like an anvil, resting in my core. My mind scattered, and in a fog, numb and dull, as I was living and breathing but not feeling alive. But I allowed myself to rise from the ashes. To see the beauty from where I’ve been and where I’m at.

So, today I honor and celebrate Tim. A man that showed me what a man should be to a woman. A man that cherished and adored me. A man that was honest and confident, not afraid to show his weakness and vulnerability, but able to be strong and bold, that he was able to communicate what was on his mind and heart with realness. A man that was curious and playful. His humor and wit, especially through his cancer pain, revealed his strength and smarts, and his love to make others smile and laugh. And dang, man who was just so darn handsome!

And today I also honor the unconditional and relentless force of love and grace that has guided, carried me and revealed calmness and truth throughout this darkness and mystery. I celebrate and honor God.

I believe I had to master (er, am still mastering, hee-hee!) this lesson of letting go.

You see, that’s the divine plan for all of us, I believe. The art of trusting and surrendering, while remaining relentlessly hopeful and kind throughout our day and each challenge. You see, all of us will die. All of us will have challenges, pain, obstacles, unworthiness, fear of getting hurt or getting heartbroken again, fear of not being good or doing enough. But that’s where WE play God. Instead of allowing us to let go of what our minds tell should be and do, and just reflect and let God be part of your life. He’s already by your side, waiting for you to receive his love. That’s the 2 powerful lessons I’ve learned.

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2 POWERFUL LESSONS I’VE LEARNED ABOUT LOVE:
Two things that withhold us from receiving God’s love is:

1) Unworthiness
(not feeling good, not doing enough, that we aren’t enough, letting our insecurities be truth, or that we aren’t pure or good enough to deserve God’s love, that we’ve done too many bad things).

2) Fear
(Fear of not finding love again, fear of losing something, fear of not being perfect).

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And guess what. These two things are human judgements that powerfully block God from fully pouring and healing into us. It’s because WE are blocking him.

And for me, I had to lose the person that I loved the most, with my entire being, to let go of Tim, to reveal God in a powerful way. That’s the blessing in this. That’s the divine plan, to be in soul partnership with others, that our souls put us here for each other, but to hold tight to truth and the higher eternal God. That we are loved no matter what. Whether we have done relentless horrible things. There is someone who loves us through it. We just have to be able to receive that love and open our mind, to free the judgement, and open our hearts to embrace powerful shifts and opportunities that we can’t imagine or dream.

I’m thankful for this day. This anniversary. This deep soul love with Tim that endures time. This divine presence of God that pours a waterfall of grace, love and wisdom into my being. And for all the awesome, silly, challenging and unforgettable adventures to come. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeebrah!

Thank you for reading!

I invite you to share your thoughts. Or to share your love story or powerful lessons you’ve gained from letting go below in the comments or email me at [email protected].

Blessings + Big Hugs + Highfives,
Michelle

October 15, 2014
SECOND ANNIVERSARY IN HEAVEN

I just got back from a 4-day Sedona retreat. It was a spiritually deep and fun adventure in some of Sedona’s most sacred and visually stunning locations and trails that most don’t know about. I met 13 other like-minded genuine souls of various ages that have become new life-long friends.

One of the most important parts of the trip, was that I was also able to scatter Tim’s ashes in sacred Apache Native American land. I knew that this was a significant part for me to let go and allow us to move forward in our lives. That we both need to serve, but in different dimensions. I have felt his love, protection and strength with me these past few years, but it’s now up to me to open my heart fully to allow for new love. I’m ready and I look forward to meeting someone amazing. Being Tim’s wife was truly an honor and my time with him was the best of my life. Though, I know God has plans that are unseen to me now.

What was crazy as right after I scattered his ashes, the moon peeked up, and then I saw a rainbow flash in the dark night sky. Not joking!! Carissa, our retreat spirit guide, told me that Tim would show me a rainbow during this trip. And I can’t tell you how explosive it was to see a rainbow in the dark moon-lit sky. Just shows you how powerful an angel Tim is, and I know God is helping work this magic too.

It was such an honor to be given permission to scatter on this land that used to be a vast ocean with whales, dolphins and other abundant marine life. It was a whole-heartedly healing process. I do feel that this trip has given more wisdom and strength.

I know that time will be needed to process the trip and integrate that “stillness” of Sedona into the daily grind of life. I’m glad to be back and to honor Tim at home today. I’ll share more of my Sedona trip photos later.

With today being Tim’s second anniversary in heaven, I wanted to share some handwritten notes I found that you would enjoy. Some of his notes are great nuggets of wisdom. Let’s celebrate a warrior and unstoppable soul who is having such a blast up in heaven. He is in all of our hearts forever. All my love to you shugar. And I’ll end with a word we used during the trip to continue during our hikes… ONWARD.

This note was written during Tim’s first trip to meet my family in New Jersey in 2003. He proposed in January 2005, and then we married in October 2006. We were together 8 years and married for 4.5 years.

May 28, 2013
AN UNSTOPPABLE SOUL: HAPPY BDAY TIM

Today is Tim’s 43rd birthday. Let’s give a huuuuuge shout out and rockin’ high fives to celebrate the strong, fearless, genuine, goofy, energetic, quick-witted, creative and amazing warrior we knew as Tim. No tears, just an abundance of love and gratitude. That’s what he’d want.

And although we can’t see, talk and hug him — or hear his contagious laugh, we know he’s with us. My heart feels it deeply. He’s sprinkling a lil bit of extra love and good vibes to all of us today and this week. A day to remember those enriching memories that he dutifully and enthusiastically filled into our hearts. It’s his birthday, but he was such a gift to each of us.

He reminds us to be unstoppable. To give each day our fullest. That we are each fighting and battling something. But that we’ve got to rise above, cruise above the negativity and let go. We need to be free. See the love. Be the love. And realize the bigger understanding of who we are and how to move forward.

To carry on where his life stopped. It’s about time. It’s about today. Yeeeeeeeeeeeebra!

tim-video (Enhanced) from Michelle Gutmann on Vimeo.

When time allows, take a moment to watch this video. It’s 20 minutes. Yes a bit long, and well, Tim probably wished it was longer, hah! Anyways, for those that didn’t know Tim, you’ll surely get a sense of his love for adventure and silliness.

The song that plays halfway through, “Over the Rainbow” by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole always tears me up. It was the song I requested for our wedding day. It played as our bridesmaids and groomsmen walked down the aisle. It was the song that magically played when we were in a helicopter through all the waterfalls on our honeymoon in Maui (such an awesome wedding gift from Stice!!), and it magically played when I was in Florence, Italy last September. Tim was my dream come true. It hurts that the dream has ended. It was a “wonderful world” – those 8 years with him. But I’m stoked that Tim is “home.” Lots and lots of love to him today, love you shugar. xoxo

Photos above by me // Top: Maui on our honeymoon, Middle: Portland, Bottom: Australia, Gold Coast.

March 21, 2013
HAPPY WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

Today I will celebrate what would have been our sixth-year wedding anniversary. This day is bittersweet for me. It doesn’t hurt from the depths of my soul, like last year, but I mis him, still wish I could bring Tim back, so I could wrap my arms super tight around him, give him a long kiss and hear his laugh.

I’m farther along on this new chapter, but my love for Tim will endure until I see him again. I am so excited for that day. And I know he is too. I actually imagine our meeting in heaven to be like this above photo. I might look older, heavier, and with more wrinkles, but this is my vision.

Because our marriage and love was so strong, I’ll be celebrating and honoring Tim today. I loved being his wife, and I know he loved being a husband. We both have parents that are still together and we joked that the only thing that would separate us would be death. And God knows why this marriage was cut short.

To celebrate our wedding day, I’m going to take Ollie for a good beach run and pamper myself. I was organizing things and found a gift certificate our friends/neighbors had gifted to us for a “couples” massage. Tim had helped them with their wedding reception, he did their food and coordinated things, etc.

I decided this is what the universe telling me to do. After I take Ollie for his run and clean him up, I’ll go to the spa and celebrate our “couples” massage by myself, but with him in spirit. And I’ll do other rituals to honor and show my love.

My heart smiles remembering this day and Tim. I thank Tim for asking me to be his wife. I feel so blessed to have had a 8 robust years together. Just wishing I could change the circumstance.

Tim’s life serves as a reminder to us to take big bites out of life, to give it our best effort and embrace the opportunities, to enjoy being in the moment.

And I don’t know if I’ll ever meet anyone so honest. He would say things that everyone was thinking but scared to, but how he said things made the difference. You always knew his intention came from genuine love.

As I celebrate today, I’m also stretching my heart. Because I’m ready and open to find new love. And I know Tim doesn’t like me being alone and I hope he’s guiding things for my next mate.

And instead of being sad and frustrated at this circumstance I can’t change, I’d like to share photos from our wedding day. This day was one of the best ever. I was so calm and relaxed, just so ready and eager to spend the rest of my life with Tim. The beautiful part about weddings is that they bring so many great friends and family together. I’m so happy to have shared this day with so many people we both love.

And that’s the one thing I’ve learned going through this journey. That we all need love. The love from our family, friends and our soul mate is the only thing we really need. And it’s the only thing that carries on after we pass, not physical objects.

Enjoy the photos and memories. Lots of love and hugs to all and especially to my shugar, Tim. xoxo

October 15, 2012
OCEAN TRIBUTE FOR TIM

The past few weeks were overwhelming preparing and planning for Tim’s 1-year anniversary of his passing. How does one honor someone so great?

On May 28th, the actual anniversary of Tim’s arrival to heaven and Memorial Day (ironically), I planned a boat charter out to Tim’s favorite surfing spot to scatter some of his ashes. Close family and friends took a boat from Dana Point down to Trestles in San Clemente. This was his second home. He grew up in Orange County, but this is where you’d find him, this was his sanctuary and his playground.

When Tim was in his tweens, his parents would drop him and his friends off at the beach in the morning, and they’d surf all day, and then hitchhike a ride back home or his parents would return. Such a simpler, safer time. And Tim progressed with his surf and competed. Trestles and this area isn’t for beginners.

It was such a surreal moment to be on the boat, knowing the reason for this cruise. It was an out-of-body feeling. I was present, but I was also jelly. My heart was broken. And this loss is still unexplainable.

But it was such an honor and comfort to put some of him in this special place.

After we did this special ceremony, the boat slowly turned around and proceeded back to Dana Point. And within five minutes, about a dozen dolphins surrounded the boat, swimming and jumping around. There was baby dolphins and clusters of them. All excited and happy.

Tim told me that whenever I saw a dolphin (in whatever form), that it was him thinking of me.

Anyways, the captain of the boat told us that this was very rare. And we all knew Tim and God were high-fiving and thanking us for such a beautiful celebration. As sad as that day and ceremony was, seeing all the dolphins lifted my and all of our spirits and made us all laugh and squeal with delight.

Witnessing this magical moment was amazing for all of us. That even in heaven, Tim is so magical. He always has a way of making us smile and us loving him more.

It was definitely an acknowledgement that Tim was watching this celebration, and didn’t want us to be sad all night. That he wants us to know he’s full of love up above. And always in our hearts.

So I leave you with some of our magic from Tim, some photos of the day and of the dolphins. All photos except the second one below are by my friend Eric. Thank you Eric for capturing this magic!

June 5, 2012