Being a widow is an evolving process. You start to get back to normal, doing most of the everyday routine things. But then you still have a deep ache in your soul that feels like a bowling ball is resting there, but its an “empty” weight feeling.
It feels empty, because what was once filled with joy, happiness, and excitement isn’t as robust as it used to be.
Let me be honest with you folks. I’m not as strong as you think or say.
I try to get through each day, each week, but ultimately, I don’t know how I do it sometimes.
The best way to describe going through this, is that I feel like I’ve had a concussion. That’s how I feel. I feel that mostly things are familiar and the same, but that mostly things are confusing and there’s this deep empty feeling. Someone I love so much and who was my soul mate is on an adventure I can’t join.
That what I thought I knew about my past seems like a dream. A dream that was real and lasted for a good while has now stopped. And that chapter is closed. And I’m in a new chapter. That’s full of discovery but is shaky.
Because that soul mate that filled your heart with all those things and more that made it robust and thrilling, is now in heaven. And its NOT the same as when he was next to you, squeezing your arm tight, resting his head on your shoulder.
Not a day goes by where I don’t think of him, whether it’s a happy memory, thinking about a joke he’d call out. Or I notice the waves are good. Or I’m eating an awesome meal at a restaurant and wish he could enjoy it with me. And now looking at photos of Tim, I can smile. But there’s still moments that startle me and knock my heart down.
Life can feel surreal. One minute, I’m stoked and confident and even giddy on life, then the next, I’m indecisive, confused and blah.
Because I still wonder why he had to die. Why cancer. Why all these complications. Why a perfect stem cell match. Why City of Hope didn’t have an answer.
Overall I get through each day, because God is carrying me. And Tim’s spirit is with me. And because of all your prayers, good vibes and sweet gestures.
I have the faith that I’ve been put in this situation for some reason.
And I’ve recognized that I will not let the questions and the fears of my past control my future. That Tim will always be in my heart and mind, but daily decisions can’t be made based on emotions tied up in his passing. That hope lies in my future not in my past.
And I realize how blessed I am. To have had such a great love, to have had such a wonderful true mate enrich my life and others. And that life truly is a gift.I know its cliché but the simplicity of that sentence is the complexity that each day brings, emotionally and physically.
That this is my life. And I’m happy to be living it. And time will heal my soul.
>> illustration above from here
