Tag Archives | widow

A DAY TO REMEMBER


anniversary-2014

 

It has been more than a year since my last post. My gosh, time has flown!

Today, October 15th, marks a special day in my soul. It’s the day Tim and I got married. And today would have been 8 years we would have been married.

Whew. It’s been quite the journey without Tim here, but he’s in my heart and surrounding me now and then in angel form.

Today, I celebrate our amazing love. Yes, we had hard challenges. Yes, we didn’t always agree. And yes things weren’t always perfect. But it was an awesome true soulmate love. And it was imperfectly perfect. To have our lives be separated through his death, was mind-blowing and body-breaking. But my soul always felt love. My body was weak and my heart was heavy, like an anvil, resting in my core. My mind scattered, and in a fog, numb and dull, as I was living and breathing but not feeling alive. But I allowed myself to rise from the ashes. To see the beauty from where I’ve been and where I’m at.

So, today I honor and celebrate Tim. A man that showed me what a man should be to a woman. A man that cherished and adored me. A man that was honest and confident, not afraid to show his weakness and vulnerability, but able to be strong and bold, that he was able to communicate what was on his mind and heart with realness. A man that was curious and playful. His humor and wit, especially through his cancer pain, revealed his strength and smarts, and his love to make others smile and laugh. And dang, man who was just so darn handsome!

And today I also honor the unconditional and relentless force of love and grace that has guided, carried me and revealed calmness and truth throughout this darkness and mystery. I celebrate and honor God.

I believe I had to master (er, am still mastering, hee-hee!) this lesson of letting go.

You see, that’s the divine plan for all of us, I believe. The art of trusting and surrendering, while remaining relentlessly hopeful and kind throughout our day and each challenge. You see, all of us will die. All of us will have challenges, pain, obstacles, unworthiness, fear of getting hurt or getting heartbroken again, fear of not being good or doing enough. But that’s where WE play God. Instead of allowing us to let go of what our minds tell should be and do, and just reflect and let God be part of your life. He’s already by your side, waiting for you to receive his love. That’s the 2 powerful lessons I’ve learned.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

2 POWERFUL LESSONS I’VE LEARNED ABOUT LOVE:
Two things that withhold us from receiving God’s love is: 

1) Unworthiness
(not feeling good, not doing enough, that we aren’t enough, letting our insecurities be truth, or that we aren’t pure or good enough to deserve God’s love, that we’ve done too many bad things).

2) Fear
(Fear of not finding love again, fear of losing something, fear of not being perfect).

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

And guess what. These two things are human judgements that powerfully block God from fully pouring and healing into us. It’s because WE are blocking him.

And for me, I had to lose the person that I loved the most, with my entire being, to let go of Tim, to reveal God in a powerful way. That’s the blessing in this. That’s the divine plan, to be in soul partnership with others, that our souls put us here for each other, but to hold tight to truth and the higher eternal God. That we are loved no matter what. Whether we have done relentless horrible things. There is someone who loves us through it. We just have to be able to receive that love and open our mind, to free the judgement, and open our hearts to embrace powerful shifts and opportunities that we can’t imagine or dream.

I’m thankful for this day. This anniversary. This deep soul love with Tim that endures time. This divine presence of God that pours a waterfall of grace, love and wisdom into my being. And for all the awesome, silly, challenging and unforgettable adventures to come. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeebrah!

Thank you for reading!

I invite you to share your thoughts. Or to share your love story or powerful lessons you’ve gained from letting go below in the comments or email me at info@onmyownblog.com.

Blessings + Big Hugs + Highfives,
Michelle

Comments { 455 }

SECOND ANNIVERSARY IN HEAVEN

tim-anniversary

I just got back from a 4-day Sedona retreat. It was a spiritually deep and fun adventure in some of Sedona’s most sacred and visually stunning locations and trails that most don’t know about. I met 13 other like-minded genuine souls of various ages that have become new life-long friends.

One of the most important parts of the trip, was that I was also able to scatter Tim’s ashes in sacred Apache Native American land. I knew that this was a significant part for me to let go and allow us to move forward in our lives. That we both need to serve, but in different dimensions. I have felt his love, protection and strength with me these past few years, but it’s now up to me to open my heart fully to allow for new love. I’m ready and I look forward to meeting someone amazing. Being Tim’s wife was truly an honor and my time with him was the best of my life. Though, I know God has plans that are unseen to me now.

What was crazy as right after I scattered his ashes, the moon peeked up, and then I saw a rainbow flash in the dark night sky. Not joking!! Carissa, our retreat spirit guide, told me that Tim would show me a rainbow during this trip. And I can’t tell you how explosive it was to see a rainbow in the dark moon-lit sky. Just shows you how powerful an angel Tim is, and I know God is helping work this magic too.

It was such an honor to be given permission to scatter on this land that used to be a vast ocean with whales, dolphins and other abundant marine life. It was a whole-heartedly healing process. I do feel that this trip has given more wisdom and strength.

I know that time will be needed to process the trip and integrate that “stillness” of Sedona into the daily grind of life. I’m glad to be back and to honor Tim at home today. I’ll share more of my Sedona trip photos later.

With today being Tim’s second anniversary in heaven, I wanted to share some handwritten notes I found that you would enjoy. Some of his notes are great nuggets of wisdom. Let’s celebrate a warrior and unstoppable soul who is having such a blast up in heaven. He is in all of our hearts forever. All my love to you shugar. And I’ll end with a word we used during the trip to continue during our hikes… ONWARD.

 

tim-note-01

tim-note-02

This note was written during Tim’s first trip to meet my family in New Jersey in 2003. He proposed in January 2005, and then we married in October 2006. We were together 8 years and married for 4.5 years.

 

 

Comments { 1,301 }

ALICIA KEYS’ GIRL ON FIRE

Have you heard the new Alicia Keys song, Girl on Fire (featuring Nicki Minaj)? I love it!! I crank up the sound and rock out. So powerful and deep. Good workout song. Good cruising on the freeway song. The lyrics spoke to me.

You can check out an exclusive first listen to her whole new album, Girl on Fire, here before it hits stores tomorrow, November 27th. It’s a nice collection of edgy, sassy, and beautiful songs.

Happy Monday! xoxo

Photo by  Declan McCullagh, find it here.

 

Comments { 1,481 }

SHARE + INSPIRE + EMPOWER

Keep Your Head Up

I went up to LA with my gal Jill to see Ben Howard in concert. If you haven’t heard about Ben, check out this cool “Frame of Mind/ An Open Mind” video Rob Machado did for Dragon Alliance, with Ben’s “The Wolves” song. Ben’s music is really calming but also energetic. He has a way of starting slow and serious, then turning it up and jamming out. He’s got a huge following, the audience was singing every word, and almost to the point that it overpowered his voice. But Ben and his band love to perform and share what they love to do and it was electric and contagious. He’s not religious or gospel, but his lyrics and music are deep, personal and powerful. I left the concert singing his song “Keep Your Head Up” (as the art above shows) over and over in my head.

Here’s a few photos I took with my iPhone.

Ben Howard

Ben Howard

Another interesting thing I wanted to share, was this cool music and design site called DesignersMX. It’s a fun site filled with various music mixes and cool design. The image above and below are from this site. Go check it out and get inspired.

 

Comments { 128 }