Tag Archives | love

A DAY TO REMEMBER


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It has been more than a year since my last post. My gosh, time has flown!

Today, October 15th, marks a special day in my soul. It’s the day Tim and I got married. And today would have been 8 years we would have been married.

Whew. It’s been quite the journey without Tim here, but he’s in my heart and surrounding me now and then in angel form.

Today, I celebrate our amazing love. Yes, we had hard challenges. Yes, we didn’t always agree. And yes things weren’t always perfect. But it was an awesome true soulmate love. And it was imperfectly perfect. To have our lives be separated through his death, was mind-blowing and body-breaking. But my soul always felt love. My body was weak and my heart was heavy, like an anvil, resting in my core. My mind scattered, and in a fog, numb and dull, as I was living and breathing but not feeling alive. But I allowed myself to rise from the ashes. To see the beauty from where I’ve been and where I’m at.

So, today I honor and celebrate Tim. A man that showed me what a man should be to a woman. A man that cherished and adored me. A man that was honest and confident, not afraid to show his weakness and vulnerability, but able to be strong and bold, that he was able to communicate what was on his mind and heart with realness. A man that was curious and playful. His humor and wit, especially through his cancer pain, revealed his strength and smarts, and his love to make others smile and laugh. And dang, man who was just so darn handsome!

And today I also honor the unconditional and relentless force of love and grace that has guided, carried me and revealed calmness and truth throughout this darkness and mystery. I celebrate and honor God.

I believe I had to master (er, am still mastering, hee-hee!) this lesson of letting go.

You see, that’s the divine plan for all of us, I believe. The art of trusting and surrendering, while remaining relentlessly hopeful and kind throughout our day and each challenge. You see, all of us will die. All of us will have challenges, pain, obstacles, unworthiness, fear of getting hurt or getting heartbroken again, fear of not being good or doing enough. But that’s where WE play God. Instead of allowing us to let go of what our minds tell should be and do, and just reflect and let God be part of your life. He’s already by your side, waiting for you to receive his love. That’s the 2 powerful lessons I’ve learned.

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2 POWERFUL LESSONS I’VE LEARNED ABOUT LOVE:
Two things that withhold us from receiving God’s love is: 

1) Unworthiness
(not feeling good, not doing enough, that we aren’t enough, letting our insecurities be truth, or that we aren’t pure or good enough to deserve God’s love, that we’ve done too many bad things).

2) Fear
(Fear of not finding love again, fear of losing something, fear of not being perfect).

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And guess what. These two things are human judgements that powerfully block God from fully pouring and healing into us. It’s because WE are blocking him.

And for me, I had to lose the person that I loved the most, with my entire being, to let go of Tim, to reveal God in a powerful way. That’s the blessing in this. That’s the divine plan, to be in soul partnership with others, that our souls put us here for each other, but to hold tight to truth and the higher eternal God. That we are loved no matter what. Whether we have done relentless horrible things. There is someone who loves us through it. We just have to be able to receive that love and open our mind, to free the judgement, and open our hearts to embrace powerful shifts and opportunities that we can’t imagine or dream.

I’m thankful for this day. This anniversary. This deep soul love with Tim that endures time. This divine presence of God that pours a waterfall of grace, love and wisdom into my being. And for all the awesome, silly, challenging and unforgettable adventures to come. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeebrah!

Thank you for reading!

I invite you to share your thoughts. Or to share your love story or powerful lessons you’ve gained from letting go below in the comments or email me at info@onmyownblog.com.

Blessings + Big Hugs + Highfives,
Michelle

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HAPPY LABOR DAY WEEKEND

onmyown-bepatientHappy Labor Weekend peeps!

I’m sorry it’s been 2 full months or so since I’ve posted. I’ve focused on building my business and working on some killer clients and haven’t had time to blog. Feeling exhausted, beat down, overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated and realizing that I need to incorporate more balance. More time to honor and cherish myself. So this holiday weekend is perfect timing!

And today I’m feeling a huge wave of love and gratitude. Maybe because my birthday is on Sunday and there’s this celebratory vibe in the air.

Anyhoots, here’s a lil bit of love I’ve created above for you. When life gets hectic and uncontrollably overwhelming, remind yourself of this message above.

Sounds simple and too basic??

When you trust and have faith in something beyond yourself, you know that before good change can happen, things are usually CRAY CRAY. Be receptive during this CRAY CRAY. You probably don’t realize that life is handing you this mess so that you can see the way THROUGH it. To power through the struggle because there are wonderful lessons within it.

Yep. I know it takes time.

And its not easy.

But you are so loved through all of it.

Unconditionally. 24/7. 365 days a year.

You are awesome.

So… with that, have an awesome weekend and relax!

I’ve got friends coming into town and we are celebrating my 36 years in this world tomorrow night. I’m totally blessed and grateful for such beautiful and amazingly great friends and my family and friends that won’t be able to join in, but be there with me fully in spirit. And my soul sisters are my family, they really push and guide me to be what I sometimes can’t see in myself.

Hugs + High-fives, Michelle

 

 

 

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SECOND ANNIVERSARY IN HEAVEN

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I just got back from a 4-day Sedona retreat. It was a spiritually deep and fun adventure in some of Sedona’s most sacred and visually stunning locations and trails that most don’t know about. I met 13 other like-minded genuine souls of various ages that have become new life-long friends.

One of the most important parts of the trip, was that I was also able to scatter Tim’s ashes in sacred Apache Native American land. I knew that this was a significant part for me to let go and allow us to move forward in our lives. That we both need to serve, but in different dimensions. I have felt his love, protection and strength with me these past few years, but it’s now up to me to open my heart fully to allow for new love. I’m ready and I look forward to meeting someone amazing. Being Tim’s wife was truly an honor and my time with him was the best of my life. Though, I know God has plans that are unseen to me now.

What was crazy as right after I scattered his ashes, the moon peeked up, and then I saw a rainbow flash in the dark night sky. Not joking!! Carissa, our retreat spirit guide, told me that Tim would show me a rainbow during this trip. And I can’t tell you how explosive it was to see a rainbow in the dark moon-lit sky. Just shows you how powerful an angel Tim is, and I know God is helping work this magic too.

It was such an honor to be given permission to scatter on this land that used to be a vast ocean with whales, dolphins and other abundant marine life. It was a whole-heartedly healing process. I do feel that this trip has given more wisdom and strength.

I know that time will be needed to process the trip and integrate that “stillness” of Sedona into the daily grind of life. I’m glad to be back and to honor Tim at home today. I’ll share more of my Sedona trip photos later.

With today being Tim’s second anniversary in heaven, I wanted to share some handwritten notes I found that you would enjoy. Some of his notes are great nuggets of wisdom. Let’s celebrate a warrior and unstoppable soul who is having such a blast up in heaven. He is in all of our hearts forever. All my love to you shugar. And I’ll end with a word we used during the trip to continue during our hikes… ONWARD.

 

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This note was written during Tim’s first trip to meet my family in New Jersey in 2003. He proposed in January 2005, and then we married in October 2006. We were together 8 years and married for 4.5 years.

 

 

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HAPPY FRIDAY + HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY

mothers-day-01Happy Mothers Day to my amazing mom, my Grandma, my mother-in-law and all my lovely friends who are moms! What a fabulous weekend to celebrate all of you.

All these women are an inspiration and I truly feel beyond blessed to have all of you in my life. Sending lots of love and prayers especially to my mom, as my Grandma’s health isn’t good, and her and my Aunt are having to make uncomfortable arrangements. Also, my mom was such an unstoppable force during Tim’s roller coaster health issues a few years ago. Putting her job on hold and flying out here to take care of both Tim and myself! I’m truly blessed to have such an awesome mom.

What are your plans for Mother’s Day? Sending big hugs and lots of love to all you mothers out there. Enjoy your weekend!

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Photos of my mom and grandma by me. Tim and his mom photos by Brian Finch. Scrapbook collage created by me for my mom’s 50th birthday photo book.

 

 

 

 

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DON’T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF

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For those that don’t know me well. I’m a Virgo. Have you ever read its description? We aren’t the most fun and interesting horoscope sign. This funny site, takes a twisted turn on defining Virgos, but you can get a sense on what I mean:

 

You are the logical type and hate disorder.
This nitpicking is sickening to your friends.
You are cold and unemotional and often
fall asleep while having sex.
Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

 

Sounds sexy and exciting, huh? Wow, bus driver and pimp. Thought you’d enjoy this description too. And no, this isn’t how we really are…

Well, because of my Virgo-ness of being über perfectionist, I tend to be über harsh on myself. I have high expectations for myself (not others) and I sometimes forget how far I’ve really come.

Because I’m right in the trenches of redesigning my life— strategizing and creating my own studio business, working on a few new awesome client campaigns, dating and trying to find love again, spending quality time and exercising Oliver and co-leading graphic design ministry— my plate is full. And I can overwhelm myself with all these tasks, my expectations for every bit of them, and trying to race to the finish line. And instead I need to ask myself these two important statements:

1) How grateful I am for myself

2) To know what I have accomplished (today, this week, month, year)

 

I thought that maybe you needed to hear this bit of wisdom too. To not be so hard on yourself. That the we need to be more grateful to ourselves. That we are creatively unique. That you are so worth it. And that life is a process. That we are ready for checking things off our lists, accomplishing big goals, and overcoming major tasks. But the more we rush and burden ourselves with doing so much in such a short time, it causes the opposite effect – we can overwhelm ourselves. That it causes burnout. Doubt. Fear. Judgement. Pain. Regret. Anxiety. Stress. Disease. Death.

Let’s try to be kinder, gentler to ourselves. To be proud of who you are. To see the beauty in the mess of life. To see failures as a source of blessing, humbling us and giving us empathy. To enjoy being comfortable with permanently being uncomfortable. That we are all a work in progress. To be present and full of intention. To see the truth of what each moment teaches us. And to let go of “perfect.”

Photo above from here

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