This past year, I’ve been really lost. I told you in an earlier post, that going thru this new journey feels like I’ve had a concussion.
I was happily married, part of this awesome team. And without Tim, I’ve felt lost. Thinking about the future was daunting and sad. I was indecisive for sure. I felt like I was healing, listening to my heart, but also kept analyzing so many things. Is it okay to want to find another soul mate? Will I be truly happy with my life again? What do I want to do with my life? Though I never blamed God for putting me in this situation. And I felt so blessed for my life, was so happy and fulfilled for everything I have and those that are in my life. But I needed to dig deeper and discover myself, and how to understand this journey better.
Now before I get into that… I have to give you insight on myself and my roller coaster of emotions.
Up until now has been especially emotional and fragile for me, knowing that this time last year, was mind-blowing, devastating and hard to describe unless you were there.
It was around May 20, 2011, that we were all naive to the time ticking, intensity of Tim’s cancer.
You see, for those that didn’t know Tim, up until the last day, he had a big agenda for tomorrow. And although doctors, nurses, hospice, and all of us were acknowledging the frugality of time, Tim was still joking, laughing and hopeful.
Hopeful for camping in our travel trailer with me. Going on a motorcycle ride with his brother Steve. Renewing our wedding vows in October. Going fishing and hunting with Bray, Lisa and the kids in November.
We all thought that Tim was “superman”, that the cancer was somehow going to go away magically. Well, we had hope that something miraculous and positive would happen. It was on the 20th that we realized that the cancer had spread to most of his body, especially in his legs and groin, which were causing his legs and feet to balloon. The game plan had abruptly changed from aggressive treatment and a cluster of machines hooked up to Tim, to slowly watching his spark fade. That nothing could stop the cancer. That his 41 years of life seemed to flash in front of our eyes in those few days. And on May 28th, God decided to recruit Tim upstairs, understanding how unfair and sad this would be for all of us, but that Tim’s suffering was over.
Sooo… knowing that this heavy experience and emotions was fresh again, I knew it was time to seek experts to help me through my grief and blockages.
Here’s the two (2) things that have given me a whole lotta clarity, confidence, and optimism about myself and my future.
(and I recommend either or both to anyone going through a loss, feeling stuck/confused about life/career/love, or want to invigorate the fire in your soul).
1) I’ve been seeing a therapist.
I was so lucky to find a therapist who practices by integrating psychology, creativity and spirituality. After all, creativity and spirituality are huge in my life. My first appointment, and each one thus far following, I’ve left with a huge sense of relief and weight off my chest. Her approach is similar to a cocoon turning to a butterfly, and I’ve felt that transformation.
2) I went to a Reiki healer/Medium.
I’ve been a huge fan (stalker) of the show on TLC called, Long Island Medium. It’s a reality show that follows Theresa Caputo, a real Medium and her family. She’s blunt, funny and turn skeptics into believers. If you haven’t watched it, watch episodes here. You will laugh, cry and be amazed. She’s so talented and reveals so many specific details that are crazy spot-on. She’ll walk into a coffee shop or nail salon, and spirits will come to her, and people are truly blown away.
Watching her show has given me clarity and understanding about “spirits.”
Then a few months ago, my new widow friend Dana, told me her friend went to a group medium reading and they revealed some major stuff about her husband to her friend. I was impressed.
So, I emailed that Medium and her first availability, was on April 28th, which was the 11-th month anniversary of Tim’s death! So, I booked it, and I was a nervous wreck driving to the appointment. (I emailed Theresa too, but she’s got a 3-year waiting list)
Here’s some of the things that I realized from my medium session.
1. Understanding my worth. That no matter with this loss or any other loss I have in the future, I will never abandon or lose myself. That I need to value myself more, be confident in who I am. That with or without Tim, I’m still me, and to continue to honor and discover this new me without Tim. I need to be brave, vulnerable, free.
2. Heaven is a real and active place. Tim was able to describe some of what he’s doing up there. I assumed it was calm and peaceful. And it is, but that he has opportunities for learning, productivity, and helping others in his same situation he was in. (of course Tim can’t sit still, he was so non-stop here, why did I assume he was eating bonbons and surfing all day? Hah)
3. Connection with Tim. I wasn’t able to see or feel Tim, but the Medium described Tim accurately and it was like he was in the room, her reactions were real. His humor, charisma and creativity was definitely on stage. I was able to ask Tim questions and I received feedback, calmness and hope.
4. The universe really controls it all. This session didn’t foretell my future, and I didn’t want that. It gave me insight about myself and how to take ownership of my life, while realizing that I can’t control everything, that the choices I make will set the stage, allow for opportunities to come through.
5. My faith is real. What I believe, that Jesus is truth for me, and he was present during my session. And he acknowledged that he’s been supporting me this past year. And that he’ll take good care of Tim.
6. I need to move forward. That Tim and I are on different levels now, I can’t lean on him anymore, and to create this new future for myself and not what I think Tim would want me to do. Allow my heart to have room for a new soul mate. Make choices to progress my career, creativity, follow my joy.
After this session I was in a blur, shaking, and felt this deep sadness, like the day after Tim had passed. But the days since then, I’ve also felt this surge of newfound hope. That although I’ve been hopeful and optimistic about this new journey, that I have some “tools” and guidance from my spirits and I need to take ownership for my life again. I can’t tell you how amazing this feels.
I still feel a deep sadness and shock on the reality that he’s still not here, but at the same time. I need to “finish” my goals here on Earth, before my time is up. That my story is starting to begin. That I have “found” clarity and hope to forge ahead, and I’m really excited about living again. That like Tim, up in heaven, I’ve got some work to do.
And I’m also looking forward to that day when it’s time for me to arrive in heaven. Where Tim promised he’d be all fancy and handsome, like on our wedding day, waiting for me, and with a bouquet of flowers.
You have come such a long way….and will continue to grow and flourish. We each have a different road and understanding your road to a new chapter of life is so important. You have found ‘tools’ that work for you….that is terrific! Would love to have some one on one time with you. … praying for you especially during this period of time before Tim’s first anniversary of going to paradise.
I’d love to have one-on-one time with you too, Linda! Just holler when you’re in town, big hugs & love ya!
Just wanted to stop by and give you some {{HUGS}}. Such courage and bravery to write this post. I’m glad to hear you are healing and moving forward, taking care of yourself and using this loss as a catalyst to dig deeper within yourself and embrace your own worth.
Michelle,
In the process of working through all of this change in your life, you are becoming a sensitive, inspired and gifted writer. You have so much to give to the world. We are all lucky to be able to share this journey with you.
i really thought he was surfing — i also thought he was creating new cooking ideas and sending them down–no er what he is doing he is making others feel good just smiling (all i have to do is think of his smile and i feel so good) –he will have flowers for you and a box of ho ho’s for me and maybe a glass of wine (the one we were suppose to have at the poseiden when i came out again ) i just wish i were closer so i could just give you the biggest hug -love you lots sweet michelle—if you ever make it this far come see me or i can at least meet you somewhere—
Such a moving post! Thank you for sharing it! You possess a natural courage and conviction to living your life! It is very inspiring. Sonja and I will be down this summer to San Clemente with the kids and plan to connect with you!
You continue to inspire me…
God has blessed me with the gift of your friendship. I bet Tim and Steve are planting flowers for us =)
Thanks for sharing Michelle. You are very strong, courageous, and beautiful woman.
Thank you all for your generous and uplifting comments. Big hugs and love all of you! Hope you all enjoyed your holiday weekend!
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